Yesterday I had one of the most difficult conversations I have ever had to have. The precise subject matter need not be mentioned — but suffice it to say, it was very difficult.
I held up quite well throughout the entirety of the conversation itself. Managed to walk away with a smile on my face. Got in my car, pulled to the corner to turn left and abruptly realized that I needed to drive for a while to clear my head — turned right instead, drove and drove and drove and gingerly felt around in my heart trying to decide if I was really okay or if it was just a facade I had put on for the sake of not hurting the other individual involved… realized that I was not completely okay but that I would survive, and headed home. Walked into the apartment, went in my room, putt-putted around for a moment or two, and came out to the living room to ask Ashley to look something up for me.
The sight of my best friend’s concerned face was too much. Down goes Megan into a sobbing puddle on the floor and there she stays for the next fifteen minutes. I have always said that crying is cathartic, but uncontrolled sobbing is even more so — and I was certainly there. At the end of that fifteen minutes, I felt SO MUCH BETTER. You can only hold so much for so long… and I do a damn good job of holding things in.
Honestly, the conversation was difficult… but be that as it may, it was also a very good conversation. One that needed to happen. It was a part of life. Of growing up. Of building relationships and learning how to live with people and finding ways to love them even when it can be difficult.
One statement that particularly hit me during this conversation, however, had absolutely nothing to do with the real conversation… and yet it stuck with me more than 90% of the rest of the discussion.
“Sometime I have to remind myself that you’re just 21.”
“Hmph. Sometimes I have to remind myself of that little fact,” I thought. It seems to me that I’m constantly stuck in this limbo zone of 21-going-on-Grown-Up. And there we stumble across the question. Is there a definitive point in life when you move from almost-grown-up to grown up?
I operate by an interesting set of rules, all of which lead to one single point. You never know who you might meet — and in this day and age, networking is quite important. Yet, I sometimes think that this whole “You Never Know” concept has been a catalyst in the fact that people… oh, all sorts of people… seem to forget that I am still just 21 years old. I might do an excellent job of acting like an adult, but that doesn’t mean I’m there yet.
When I was little, if I was upset with someone, I just wouldn’t speak to them. There was never any concept of talking things out and trying to work through any issues. These days, however, there is a responsibility to face my problems and talk about the things that are going wrong and be honest when my feelings are hurt and just deal with the different situations that pop up. No more pushing things under the rug and running away.
Over the past few years, I’ve learned how incredibly valuable communication is. Honesty is such an important component to any sort of relationship, and transparency is integral to understanding one another and interacting with any sort of confidence. Even so, it can be petrifying to be transparent. Honesty makes my knees shake, and any discussion that could be slightly uncomfortable gives me nightmares.
And yet, relationships that could be tossed aside like so much excess baggage can be saved with just a single conversation, a willing heart, and a desire to learn. There is no reason to end a friendship for the sake of not putting it out on the line.
I saw Gungor in concert last night. It was an incredible show, and I cried for perhaps… oh, I don’t know, 79% of it? But this song — it has always been one of my favorites, and it seems to me quite fitting for this moment.
This is not the end,
This is not the end of this
We will open our eyes wide, wider
This is not our last,
This is not our last breath
We will open our mouths wide, wider
Do I really need any other words?
Thanks for reading, friends. You do my heart good.